It’s been 40+ years of the self-destructive pattern, 30 years since physical self-harm began, 20 years since my first attempt, an awful lot of misery and pain that I somehow kept afloat in all this time. A lot of lucky breaks but also an immense effort.

I have two big goals in mind for my new fitness push: have a lot more physical ability for when I can start dance classes again, and be as ready and able to heal fast from bottom surgery. But little goals along the way like do splits, do a handstand, etc are better for keeping me going day-to-day!

I know I had a four year gap 2010-2014 when I felt I could stop taking mirtazapine (the first antidepressant which seemed to work for me), and then had another okay year 2017 when I weaned myself off it again, but I haven’t had a genuine break since 2018.

I fon’t keep track really, but it occurs to me that I am almost at a month since I last wanted to kill myself, and that included many sad moments and difficult triggers — it’s not just been a blissful stress-free month — so I think this streak could continue?! Life expectancy is going up!

Whooooa you’re good!! I love when bsky suddenly reveals talents in people you never suspected

I went into a fabric store and didn’t buy any unplanned fabric!! Okay, maybe also some clearance lace trim and two zippers that weren’t really necessary for now

Also I'm clued out as to your accident (?) but I really hope you're getting the loving care you need in recovery! We all deserve it. We're a social animal.

Awww 😊 (I do get a lot of hugs and reassurance from my wife and kids, and friends... family of origin stuff has hurt but in some ways even helped enlighten me, in terms of how overt the cold treatment is now, to what it has been like my entire life and how much damage that did that isn't my fault)

Flashback to my highschool graduation and the vice principal calling our valedictorian a “master debater”, blissfully unaware of the snickering that set off in the graduating class

I mean, I was a weird kid who would read random britannica articles for fun in the evenings, but it really never teaches you _how_ to do stuff? So many practical things I can do now are all down to internet sharing. If AI takes it away from us with the flood of plausible but wrong bullshit, … grrrr