“this is the last time I’ll say anything about it,” she says, with the intention of never stopping

😒!

Sundays are for drinking coffee and getting drunk. At the same time.

biblically accurate bozo

Things I used to tweet when I worked at a library: Asking the person who answers the phone at a business how they’re doing today is a vicious act of aggression and everyone knows it.

Hate it when I walk in the bathroom and a toilet demon drags me screaming into a dark realm

😒

inside you there are two crocodiles. one is an alligator you idiot. you absolute buffoon.

i think i’d be fine if i died and went to taco hell

WebMD should offer a subscription service where it lies to you.