Printer updates are the worst. "Please install firmware update" Eh? But my printer works fine. I send it a thing and it prints the thing. "Ah, but security or bugs or something. Come on, chop chop" *sigh* FINE. There you go. "Thanks. Hey! These aren't genuine cartridges!" What?! How did you fin- Oh.

📢BIG TUBS OF CELEBRATIONS IN TESCO KLAXON📢 Right, Christmas is on its way. What's next? The boring Gardening aisle of Home Bargains being replaced with decorations? That brilliant TV channel launching that only shows those ropey Hallmark Christmas films that all have the same plot?

"Happy birthday! I know you like scented candles so I got you this" "Thanks! Um... It's called... 'Nacho'" "That's right!" "And it's in the shape of a nob" "Yep!" "What does it sme- You know what, I'm not going to ask"

Ah right. *adds 'Spice Girls split again' to annual calendar between 'First Night of the Proms' and 'Tesco Start Selling Big Tubs of Celebrations'*

Sort-of dreading it. Paris was chaotic, joyous, full of surprises, a little bit messy and so much fun. Can't help thinking LA might be glossy, mawkish and stage-managed to death :(

MC Escher: the ceiling is also lava

OR: My first website was a Geocities page featuring jokes about how the drummer from Hanson looked like he was annoying.

I found Netscape installed on a college PC one day, assumed it was to do with that 'web' thing they talked about on Tomorrow's World, but had no idea what to do with it. Clicked on Bookmarks, saw a list of 30-ish sites (including the Virtual Graveyard) and assumed that was the whole internet.

I took my daughter to a Taylor Swift-themed book launch last night. I was the only man in a roomful of Swifties making friendship bracelets. And even *I* didn't look this awkward #totp

Oh my god they dont even work in fortnite