It’s bullshit that the only things that land in my yard after a storm are branches, leaves, and some of my neighbors junk. Never anything useful like a boyfriend or some teriyaki chicken.

RFK Jr. possibly getting a role in Trump’s health staff? Yeah when I think of health, I think of the brain worms guy.

Friend: have you ever made a fool of yourself in front of someone you were into? Me with a mouthful of gummy bears: WHAT, LIKE TODAY?

Me: *mouth duct taped, hands and legs bound, crying in the trunk of a car* Him: See! If you’d ran into a bear, you’d be dead by now!

I’m at the height of my animal magnetism, and raw sexual energy when I’m 10 rolls deep, cheeks full of cinnamon butter, growling when people walk past at Texas Roadhouse.

Why do all men walk so fast? Always have me scurrying to keep up. Where are you going so fast? Away from your lies, sir?

I need one of those neck cones that keep dogs from licking their incisions, but to keep me from talking to straight men.

Of the hundreds of women, gays, and theys I know that fancy themselves a witch, you’d think as many crystals as I’ve bought over the years from them at least one would be trying to spell me up a funny man with a big dick.

The government doesn’t think I have any dependents?? Just because I don’t have kids?? Do you even KNOW how heavy these tiddies are?!? HAVE YOU SEEN THE PRICE OF MY BRA?!? Bunch of big tiddy prejudice bullshit.

As a girl who has, on several occasions, cut her own bangs out of mental distress then had to wait awhile to be seen in public…I’d like to say hang in there Kate Middleton.