i must be benjamin franklin

A 30-trillion egg omelet slowly burning on a frying pan the exact size & shape of the continental United States

Motherfuckers going on first dates with dirty-ass, jagged fingernails saying shit like “oh man she friendzoned me”

I had one of those back in 1990. I cannot for the life of me remember what happened to it

this guy is wearing the pants lbj ordered

And now Willie is the last remaining highway man

*bursts into your bedroom at 4 AM* HAPPY EARLY BIRTHDAY FOR 63 DAYS FROM NOW HAHAHA ITS NOT BELATED UNLESS YOURE LOOKING AT IT FROM THE PREVIOUS ONE

Well damn. Along with some other stuff I’m pretty sure I sent yesterday too. I’ll do another one tomorrow. I’m too tired right now.

Oh cool another guy who thinks that his Jeep Cherokee is a fucking race car

The little rubber piece inside the spark plug wrench stayed attached to the spark plug, and I couldn’t think of the word O-ring so I said oh look the spark plug Wrench cock ting is still on there