May my obituary not state that I overdosed on OTC heartburn pills
She likes jasmine rice; I prefer basmati. Is this marriage salvageable?
These Sunday afternoon kids' parties at the indoor playscape are always hilarious during the football season with the long row of dads sitting on the bench and staring down at their phones watching the game or checking the scores.
*raises my eyebrows seductively*
These fuckin' halftime shows. When I was growing up, you had one, maybe two sports guys at a desk. Now it's an entire damn entourage with a bunch of goofy monikers: Jim, Billy, Shauna, "The Truck", "Primetime Andre", "Bear", etc. etc., none of whom really add any value to the programming.
The (now!) six-year-old wanted to eat a scrambled egg sandwich like he saw on the Eggland's Best commercial. The three-year-old, when asked what number to dial if we got hurt in an accident, replied with the catchphrase of a local personal injury attorney. Maaaaaaybe need to dial back the TV time.
I was the victim of a monstrous act of vandalism to my vehicle while at the pub yesterday. Such defacement of a sacred symbol demands nothing less than the death penalty.