a really good poop can make or break your whole day. which is a lot of responsibility for a poop, actually

My old man died the same week as Jerry Garcia and Mickey Mantle. I envisioned him at the pearly gates starting a fight with them.

Send a little vial of his ashes to the businesses he owes money to so they can close his account out and throw a party.

You got this.. the day, not the kms

“Do not let your right hand know what your left hand is doing”—yeah none of my body parts know what anyone or anything is doing at any time, Jesus

AARP magazine is my source. I love the pictures. I wish the words were bigger. Can’t find my glasses.

Do you want to subscribe to my random ass delusions that I have at 1 am for only $4.95 a month or no?

Wake up loser. You forgot to call in sick again.

All of a sudden my doctors are younger than me. He took a picture of my foot and whispered kinda loud whoa gnarly. He ordered me some pills on Amazon.