Mike just correctly identified a song as “Halsey!” and I’ve never been prouder. He must do Peloton.

Mike and I have suddenly started this thing where we leave the toilet paper in, like, decorative folds at the end, but neither one of us has said anything about it yet. I guess what I’m trying to say is that romance isn’t dead and it’s possible to keep a marriage exciting after 26 years.

Goddamn, but I love screaming absolute filth from my couch. #goravens#NFL#feelingkindasunday

“Go fuck your mother! Kick your fucking field goal, you twat!” —Ah, how I’ve missed my Football Sundays…. #goravens

I asked Siri about Olympics baseball and the bartender answered for me instead. AI can get bent.

seeing a cybertruck in the wild is fun bc only 3000 have been sold so its like oh wow theres our towns Biggest Dipshit. look at him go!

F1 content incoming: The best part of the Monaco race is that you get the red flag excitement right off the bat, then the race resumes and you can go take a shower and miss absolutely nothing. Now I’ll just watch Mike “rest his eyes” the rest of the race.

Cover blurb.

while caffeine’s mechanism of action isn’t fully understood, a leading theory suggests that every 100mg you consume pushes you forward into a pocket dimension where you’re a little less sleepy. unfortunately, the old you is trapped in the sleepy dimension, forever. you might be there right now

The joke is on Daylight Saving Time anyway because I been falling asleep at 9 and been waking up at 5. You ain’t shit.