My wife came into the bedroom wearing nothing but a pair of red fishnet stockings, She looked like two bags of onions.

Went to my first Porn-aholics Anonymous meeting last night Had to leave, was full of wankers

My wife was complaining that the vac was making a terrible whining noise and wasn't sucking, "Any idea what's wrong with it?" she asked. "Yeah," I replied, "it probably got married. "

Scrooge always had lamb with mint for Christmas. He called it baa humbug.

I've looked through all of my cookery books but cannot find the recipe for disaster.

Breaking news. Thousands of Oasis tickets have just been made available. Keir Starmer has returned those he was given.

Upskirting is a horrendous crime. Except in Thailand where it's just common sense.

Sperm donors receive a £10 pay rise per a donation and now receive £45 per visit. When I look back and think how much money has slipped through my hands.

A star is dead.

I don't know if Keir Starmer really is having perverted sex with one of his male backers, but he's certainly buggering the country.