Hezbollah confirms boss Hassan Nasrallah IS dead. Birmingham declares a public holiday to mourn.

Thanks to the new Labour government, I've been able to drastically reduce my energy bills by emptying my freezer and keeping the contents in my dear old mum's living room.

"Are you stupid? We have all this paradise and you want me to rebel and eat the fruit of the only tree we have been instructed not to touch? I'm sorry Eve, there's nothing you can ever do that will make me go against His instructions." It was at that point that the world's first blow job occurred.

Did you miss Starmer's sausage speech? Never mind, here's a link...

Attractive women are just looking for security. I know because I started talking to one and that's what she shouted.

The Labour party is starting to feel the heat. Unlike pensioners this winter.

These trick or treaters seem to get older every year, just had two at the door now asking for money. Costumes were good though, they were dressed as bailiffs. I gave them a Mars bar each and told them to fuck off.

I've got a thing for busty schoolgirls. Chloroform.

Aren't the BBC brave! - they had to wait for Al Fayed to be dead for a year, before they'd admit someone called Mohamed could be a rapist.

With walkie-talkies, you get more bang for your buck.