God, I love being a 1950’s guy. The only time I’ve ever eaten a green vegetable was on VE day. Longest I’ve gone without a cigarette is nine minutes. I love my wife, eight kids, and knowing that I could walk out on them in a second to start a new life in California doing something called “plastics”

1950s guy in California: well shit. I guess the only way to solve my problems is to become a serial killer.

i love driving my slow boatlike car up and down the road with all my 1950s friends, all dressed identically with the same haircut, nodding our heads along to the most bad ass hard core music released this year, "Bop-A-Doo Baby (Let's Wait For Marriage)"

71 seconds of coitus is plenty for me, thanks

Throwing your trash into a big smoldering pile behind your fence