genie: for your first wish? me: I wish for more wishes genie: that’s against the rules me: I wish for more genies genie: *checks notes* god dammit

morpheus: this is your last chance. after this, there is no turning back. you take the blue pill- me: does it come in gummy form morpheus: what me: it’s just if the pill is available in gummy form i would prefer to take it that way. now what were you just saying

One of the nicest

My child is writing a paper on a historical figure in politics. Her subject: Arnold Schwarzenegger

Why are you so expensive, everything?

you should try essential oils

Pretty sure some of these are teen spinach

The best thing about parenting a teen is getting to smell all the perfumes at one time

Somehow I have curated all my social media to show me the absolute worst shit going on in the world?

The feeling of relief my cat must feel when she realizes I’m going to the bathroom and not coming to kill her