date: [pulls away from kissing] let's move this to your bed me: [sitting on a futon] you're not gonna believe this

(red hot chili peppers voice) can't stop, addicted to the cheese sticks

[sommelier interrupts me] stop saying notes of ass

[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside

therapist interrupts me: are you saying off-pudding

what is love / baby is squirt pee

[trying to change the subject with my therapist] where's this couch from

i fell into a Burger King deep fryer i turned brown brown brown medical help was required and it burns burns burns that BK fryer that BK fryer

me: how come girl buttholes are so much nicer than guy buttholes genie: ok that's not really a wish

♫ carry on my grey poupon / you're like mustard but dijon spread you on some toasted bread / won't be dry no more ♫