I don’t hate when athletes retire, I just hate that they’re now younger than me and retired.

"We need Democratic votes, so the Democrats should come to us and make an offer and I'm pissed off that they haven't done so yet" is peak Republican. Like, my guy: You need them. You go to them. And that hat? It goes in your hand when you do. www.nbcnews.com/politics/con...

Every Kansas City National Anthem Singer when they here that Taylor Swift is in the audience.

When my girlfriend is mad at me but don’t tell me why or chooses to not talk to me, I like to write texts to see if I can break her. Today’s text was “Why didn’t you ever tell me how good The Devil Wears Prada is???” Now I wait… ⏳⏳⏳💥

I asked for Sprite but the restaurant was out of Sprite. They immediately recommended Dr. Pepper. It’s not even close to the same but it’s what I wanted… how’d they know???

Since I was a kid, special effects have made a drastic leap forward. In the last 15 years, they’ve made a drastic leap forward. Yet, the evil Power Ranger Monsters’ mouths still can’t move.

Because who doesn't need to see a picture of an otter showing off her new baby. ❤️

Reminder. The good guy in this scene is Jones.

It’s been a while since I’ve been to church, anyone know the prayer that grants me the strength to only order the small guac at Chipotle?

Weed tucking me in to bed every night