*looks around for shirt I was just holding* *grabs a different one* "Fine, universe, don't tell me your secrets."

Disney movie songs used to be all "Chim chiminey, bippity boppity boo," and the next thing you know Pocahontas is belting out "Colors of the Wind." Imagine the look the old writers gave the new guy when he turned that one in.

The 1875 Antoine Vollon oil painting, “Mound of Butter,” is no longer on display at the National Gallery and I want to make it clear that I did not steal it

Guy inventing tomato soup: How 'bout a hot bowl of ketchup? Time traveler eavesdropping: How tf does he know about ketchup?

Whoa wtf

My bologna has a third name.

Back in my day, we only had 12 memes.

Literally anything I try to do after my partner has rolled over to go to sleep:

I'm not a hypochondriac, but I find it annoying that they won't MRI my entire body just to make sure everything's ok.

In some states, it is illegal to perform live industrial music without dirty-neck makeup. Touring musicians should always check local ordinances before hitting the stage.