In the dark without my glasses, I can distinguish between my two similarly sized cats just based on body movement and general vibe.

Canadian bacon is an American term, French fries originated in Belgium, and Indiana Jones is from New Jersey.

I assume Jack Harlow's career exists because some record executive wanted to clone Post Malone and/or get him to stop dating his daughter.

One of my favorite things to do in my early 20s was to tell anyone in a Tool shirt that Tool sucks. That and to drink until a felony arrest.

A mule should be called a honkey.

I'd blame this weird winter on climate change, but I heard it's because Ill Niño is touring this year.

[hearing that your work colleague fell down a flight of stairs and has died] oh no they hated dying

And what is the nefarious purpose they give? Battling misinformation. *clutches pearls and gasps"

transitioning from "this track fuckin slaps" to "this tune is quite the toe-tapper" now that im 32

Sometimes I sing the chorus Ol' Dirt Bastard's "I Can't Wait" to my dog, but I change the words, "Big Baby Jesus, I can't wait, n***a fuck that, I can't wait," to "Big Baby Puppy, I love you, Baby Puppy, I love you," and she gets super hype. She's definitely down with the Wu.