Happy Festivus to all who celebrate

More people should have giant stone statues of dinosaurs outside their house

There’s no amount of money I wouldn’t pay to celebrate Christmas, your laws do not scare me Massachusetts

[me at the presidential debate] on my first day as president I will sign an executive order bringing back the Seattle Sonics and Montreal Expos

Remember, kids, if Santa asks you whether you’ve been naughty or nice this year, you should always say, “Am I being detained?”

Ken Paxton and the Texas Supreme Court can go fuck themselves

Having finished my rewatch of The Good Place I can confirm it is unequivocally my favorite show of all time

What if instead of pretending like guns aren’t the problem we acted like they are? No, that would never work, not even worth a try. What was I thinking?

After the Cardinals (obviously not gonna happen) that would be my choice too

There are teams I’d definitely prefer he not go to but for sure I’m just excited to watch him play in the post-season