Just found out jellyfish have survived over 500 million years without brains. Honestly, feeling pretty optimistic about my chances now.

“Come see my junk” is not a good garage sale invitation.

I love when I drop something, and it bounces just far enough away to make me question if I even need it anymore.

Fell asleep on the toilet. I must have sleep crapnea.

Debates are fine, but I’d prefer a rock, paper, scissors tournament.

I’m the proud member of the anti social, social club.

Hotdog water is technically broth, babe

Breaking into people's houses to steal money and leave teeth under their pillows

Après moi, le déluge, I murmur as another acquaintance who is fond of the word pretentious tells me to leave social media.

if you are firing a gun at godzilla and notice the bullets have no effect a good idea is to keep firing to make sure