Panda Express fortune cookies be like "Somewhere, someone is crying." or "Your social security number is 872-98-9824 and your blood type is Z-Negative and you'll get hit by a Cleveland city bus today." And there is no in between.

Cracker Barrel got a lot of nerve charging $3.09 for 8oz of milk.

Taylor Swift could live 1,000 years, but she'll never make a song remotely on the level of Whoomp! (There It Is).

When you're banging your head against your desk because you can't figure out how to solve a work problem, and then your brain finally gives you a new train of thought, and you start working on the issue with fresh hope, only to realize that you have to join a call in 7 minutes. That's the worst.

Change my view: Women hate cargo shorts because they reveal the tactical inferiority of purses.

I had a dream last night where I was at some sort of professional wrestling event and they were introducing a new woman wrestler named Biglicious and I’ve been laughing all morning.

Dear Silicon Valley, please stop adding AI to EVERYTHING.

Why yes, Amazon, I do want my new underwear in the 4:00 AM to 8:00 AM delivery window.

I can't be the only person to Subscribe & Save to something on Amazon and immediately cancel the subscription because I just wanted the discount, am I?

There's a party going on next door, but judging by the mix of late 90s/early 2000s music, they'll wrap it up by ten.