When I finally quit drinking, I apologized to a friend of mine for all I’d put him through, and he said, “I never judged you for that.” He’s either a liar, or has something fundamentally wrong with his brain. I peed on his tv once. That warrants judgement.

Don’t teach me ANYTHING I don’t like.

The look you get at the Thanksgiving dinner table when you compare the quality of frozen waffles versus homemade.

Gonna get this as a tattoo.

Grease

NEVER beat me up!

You just know he fucks.

I’m gonna buy infowars and fill the website with the most explicit My Little Pony fanfic I can find/write.

Donkey Kong belongs in the jungle.

I hope I never get yelled at.