as a goof every Friday the 13th I put on a hockey mask and murder a bunch of teenagers with a machete
I love when a chef refers to themself as “fearless.” Like, are those figs on that sandwich? Calm down, Napoleon
nephew who just started first grade: "ugh all these people keep asking me to play at recess. we only get 2 recesses and I need one to just sit by myself outside and think" this kid is def related to me. 😅
The worst people are the egotistical jerk offs that are so narcissistic and self-absorbed that they aren't even paying attention to me!
Is it “the monkey THAT..” or “the monkey WHO..”? Anyway, he killed my father
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Sorry I called your grandma an evil bitch from hell but my snacks were clearly labeled and she had her glasses on
Getting an astrology girl to fall for me by sending messages right at 11:11 everyday
If you pay full price for framing at Michael's unfollow me please!