"As journalists, it is our job to treat all your options with equal weight: keeping your current president, or drinking a Slurpee-sized cup of your own urine every morning." www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/we-...

We Must Give Equal Airtime to the Democratic Incumbent and the Guy Who Wants Everyone to Drink Their Own Piss

Dear viewers, At our news network, we have received a number of complaints about our current political coverage. Some of you have insisted that we ...

"You kind of want kids, but iced coffee had a rough childhood and isn’t ready to have those sorts of discussions yet, which is fair, you guess, but sometimes you wonder if iced coffee is really just afraid of the commitment being a parent would entail." www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/17-...

17 Signs You’re in a Long-Term Relationship with Iced Coffee

1. Iced coffee is on your car insurance. 2. You’ve met iced coffee’s dad, who’s nice, and iced coffee’s mom, who can be a real jackass. 3. You and ...

"The data is pretty conclusive: 46 percent of you are not actively looking for work, 30 percent of you feel confident your academic unit will survive the upcoming budget cuts, and 24 percent of you report feeling only slightly panicked most of the day." www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/our...

Our Faculty Success Initiative Redefines Everything You Thought You Knew About “Faculty” and “Success”

Thank you, everyone, for completing the Faculty Success Survey. During these challenging times, we understand that many of you are feeling great st...

"We all know life gets busier in adulthood. As a chronic workaholic desperate to prove that I was as ruthless and unforgiving as mythology suggested, I never made time to really get to know people." www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/gui...

Guide to Making Friends as an Adult, According to Hades, Greek God of the Underworld

Making friends as an adult can be challenging. Especially if, like me, you’re the celestial ruler of Tartarus, the abode of the damned. I spent so ...

"Winning over the members of the house whose objections can be loud, and sometimes downright offensive." www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/ski...

Skills You Need as President of the United States or Skills You Need as a Stepmom?

“Will Chamberlain, a conservative lawyer who worked on Ron DeSantis’s presidential campaign, posted on X that Harris ‘shouldn’t be President’ becau...

"Sorry you feel the cake I made is a bit dry, Paul. It was meant to commemorate the life of my best friend from childhood. He died when we were ten, so it’s a shame you feel that way. Did you want to maybe try another bite and reconsider?" www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/wha...

What I’d Say to Paul Hollywood If I Were on The Great British Bake Off

“Sorry you feel the cake I made is a bit dry, Paul. It was meant to commemorate the life of my best friend from childhood. He died when we were ten...

School children will start every morning reciting the pledge of allegiance and/or the lyrics of Kid Rock’s “Bawitdaba.” www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/les...

Lesser-Known Goals of Project 2025

Replace all Department of Education employees with sunglass-wearing dudes filming themselves ranting in pick-up trucks. Abolish DEI hiring policies...

"My pedagogy is rooted in principles of active learning, and I find that the results of this methodology are well worth the occasional student accidentally turning their friend into a badger." www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/pro...

Professor Minerva McGonagall’s Letter to the Tenure Committee

To the Chair and Members of the Tenure Committee: I, Professor Minerva McGonagall of House Gryffindor, respectfully submit to you my application fo...

"FREE SPACE: Trying to remember if you even like these people." www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/mak...

Making Plans on the Group Chat BINGO

Making Plans on <br>the Group Chat BINGO

It's Avril Lavigne's birthday today, so we are obligated to re-share this banger by Madeleine Trebenski from our archives. www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/the...

The Girl from Avril Lavigne’s “Sk8er Boi” Responds 18 Years Later

I’m the unnamed girl from Avril Lavigne’s 2002 hit, “Sk8er Boi” and I’m here to set the record straight after 18 years of silence. I’m finally read...