Even imagining that I could just reach out and have you do what I want is more satisfying than it would be to try it. Because once I do that I have to deal with the sight of people who don't bend or do what I want. Who are expressing, through the framework of control, individuality I don't want.

A part of me wants to post spirals and bask in the attention, but I know how that attention feels, and I also know that fantasizing about it is more pleasant than the reality of having it.

Oh, also, if any of you are wondering about my libido -- yes, I still have it. I'm trying to figure out what to do with that. I'm tuned pretty weird and I don't really feel normal when I'm not controlling people. I didn't feel normal six years ago before I started.

I hope you're finding something fun to do, too!

I'm probably not having as hard a time as I make it sound like, because I'm also having a lot of fun in here. But the past few days have been very complicated and I've had to spend a lot of time thinking. If it doesn't happen to you, that's good news. If it does, well, it's not the worst.

I think I want to frame them back to myself as something that happens to me, not something I am. The language doesn't do me favors here -- and the sort of masochistic "if it hurts to say it, it must be true" rule calls to me and distorts my thinking.

Something I'm still feeling out is how concretely I want to relate to these bad feelings. By saying them, I reify them, turning them from vague rumination to single sentences. But I also fossilize them -- I _am_ anxious, _am_ obsessive. Not empowering things to believe.

One of the things I did gradually feel out is that that all-encompassing parasocial "want to slip into your skin" kind of love was pretty much always bad in both directions, even though at times I experienced it as pleasure. I kind of don't think this problem is common. You likely don't have it.

This isn't the only thing going on in my life, but it does rattle around in my head when I'm on my feed. Bsky threatens to do bad stuff to my brain. Pretty scary, right? Oof. On the plus side, I wrote a lot of code today, and it's only 5 PM.

I have no mental health solutions. It's pretty obvious I just don't behave as badly as my gut tells me I am. It's apparently hard to be off-putting enough that other people are put off. It feels like there's something about me that people really like, but from my vantage point that is hard to see.