In high school I was most likely to post a nude on social media.

I identify as solosexual.

Dance with me to the Barney Miller theme song.

If I want your advice I’ll ask for it.

Someone come and stop me before I try to make arancini out of leftover Mexican rice

There isn’t anything about me that’s attractive. You may find me charming temporarily but it wears thin soon enough. And that’s the only thin quality I bring to the table. Speaking of the table, is it time to eat again? I hope so. Need something cheesy to go with this loneliness

I am single and alone but on the verge of a common law marriage with my opponent in this cribbage app.

Me: Why won’t you date me? Her: You have red flags coming out of your ass. Me: Those are hemorrhoids.

I can’t stop picturing John Amos and James Earl Jones looking down from heaven at the land of Zamunda.

October means pumpkin pie season. You can have your Halloween bullshit. Just give me a couple pumpkins, some butter, lard, flour, eggs, condensed milk, and spices and let the magic happen.