My name is mud at the hospital. Turns out you can’t book a mammogram for a stag do.

If Magritte was alive today and active on social media, I like to think he’d do a painting of a Black and Decker called “This Is Not A Drill”.

It's a hard life for the Lego cowboy. Whatever he says or does, whoever he fights, people are always saying he's yeller.

People who are against paying tax: would it help to replace the word "tax" with the phrase "what I owe"?

I’ve got a foot fetish. By which I mean I’m looking for a woman with a twelve-inch cock.

Dreamt last night that Bob Mortimer wouldn’t give me a lift from Faversham to Herne Bay, even though my own car had broken down and I had loads of stuff to carry. They pretend to be nice on TV, but in real life they don’t want to know you.

My friend wanted me to go with him to the world's largest pizzeria. I said, "That's a big Ask."

Sorry to hear about your mum being bed-ridden. Still, it must’ve made a change from being floor-ridden, car-ridden, kitchen table-ridden and round-the-back-of-Aldi-ridden.

Just used iMaps and it did that thing, “if you’re willing to parkour, this route will take 10 s off your journey.” It took me through the woods in the dark and rain. I thought, “this is the sort of place someone could creep up and take advantage.” I went as slow as I could, but no one was about.

Remember back in the 1990s when one of TV’s Gladiators kept digging up the corpse of Jim Morrison and bumming it? Honestly, sometimes it was a struggle to keep the Wolf from the Door.