I bet Putin hasn't returned a ton of Trump's Tupperware containers.

Coincidentally, I live next to a JG Wentworth and steal their wifi all the time.

I've broken so many teeth at the airport in my life. I blame my parents who taught me to bite airplanes that were delivering my vegetables.

(the Morton salt girl passes by) "Something I can do?"

Face it: if a woman is smoking an e-cigarette after having sex with you, she was probably faking it.

Tried to sign up for my company's Employee Stock Plan (ESP), and the website crashed. I guess I should have seen that coming...

Spectrum internet is down, so I’m tapping this out on a series of intricately carved coconuts next to a sunless sea. The nearby mermen are ogling me, so please don’t rescue me anytime soon. I’m good. 😏

It all seemed so well-coordinated. Too bad he wasn’t at the age where he was well-coordinated.

Had to be tough for this 65 year old man dressed to the nines to come back in his time machine to off Trump but then, once he returned, he reverted to the age he was in 2024.

can’t today i’m translating the bible into emojis