Basically its my own insecurity causing this. I have no inherent value, all value I have is derived from others reaction to me. Im 40 and i have AT BEST 2-3 good years left before I waste away and become ugly. Trying to compete with someone in their late 20s is killing me.
Idk man. A lot of what I do is designed for the male gaze. I get that. But I really dont care about attention from men. Attention from men is 100% worthless, its a dime a dozen. Yet others getting it feels threatening to me.
Im learning as fast as I can, but damn. I have to spend hours on makeup and stashing up, while you can just wake up and do the same thing with zero prep and get 10x the attention. So you have 10x my value. Great. Stop grinding my face in it.
Like yeah, you are awesomely gorgeous and Im jealous as fuck. But you started focusing on aesthetics when you were 13, and have had that as a focus your entire life. Ive had this body for 6 months, this brain for 12. How can I compete with that.
Competing in the fem hierarchy is just ad exhausting as the masc one, though maybe not as excesively brutal. But trying to manage your objective value compared to other fems in your life is damn hard, Especially when you’re a transfem with a handicap
Your job, no matter how much you like it, isnt a valid thing that contributes to anything you are when it comes to value. Its something people tolerate that you do, but you are expected to just dismiss those hours and compete with them as void. And Im so tired.
Especially with people who dont work, but still function well. You get to wake up, spend the day getting fucked up; focus on your aesthetics and getting attention from others. Meanwhile I have to get up, 2 hours to get ready, 8-16 hrs work and those hours are just void.
Basically, Im just extremely jealous of AFABs in general. Like; you get to wake up in the morning and just *be* attractive. Just zero effort. Wake up: cute. Meanwhile Im over here having to spend so much damn effort for the same thing, irs frustrating.
I had one girl attached to each tit and another one blowing me and felt nothing. I dont think my brain is in a very good place right now lol
Depression is so weird. Brain has all the opportunities in the world to have any experience it wants and just goes «Nah dun wanna»