"We can state with a high degree of certainty that the intensity of your crush’s emotions have destabilized his entire worldview and left him in a state of near-paralysis."

Crush Not Texting You Because His Feelings So Strong That They Scare Him, Finds Imaginary Study

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Lending credence to the already widespread theory about the young man you fancy, an imaginary study published Tuesday by Harvard University found that your crush wasn’t texting you back ...

“previous debunked studies claiming your bully only made fun of you because she was jealous” oh no, that’s DEFINITELY true

Yeah, this is why Barrack didn't endorse me. Ha! I'm killin' it on the blue skies, man. --Joe #itsjoever