Not the Onion: full page on school supplies that can double as body armor in an active shooter situation.

Can't wait to see the back to school discounts on THOSE supplies

God help us, we’re all living in the rejected first draft of an ‘80s Paul Verhoeven dystopia.

The fuck.

Love the full dystopian trifecta here.

Isnt this more of a “before school starts” story? Maybe they thought this semester would be magically different, and after a few weeks they were like “oh, I guess we need to run that story”

And much like taking your shoes off at the airport, it's all theatre anyway.

gReATeSt cOuNtRy oN eArTh

One of the most dystopian elements of American society

Only in America. 😳😖😢😑

I guess to save your life, just put yourself in a backpack!