Due to a recent incident, players will not longer be allowed to bring bean sprouts into the weekly bingo in the Seniors Community Center. Security will be checking bags at the door.

PSA: A local hotdog vendor has once again been found operating without a permit after failing the required eyebrow hygiene inspection. Customers are advised to avoid Lion Brand Hotdogs until further notice.

RESCHEDULED - Due to torrential glitter fall, the visit from world famous boyband *NSync has been postponed to a later date. Disappointed fans are encouraged to splash in puddles to alleviate glitter sadness. Refunds available at town hall in the form of crisp high 5's.

Youths are asked to refrain from removing trees from public spaces and adding wheels to create illicit go-karts. The council has a surplus of inflatable hamster balls that can be used instead.

The annual 'Burning of Unpaid Parking Fines' jubilee bonfire will take place this Saturday. Anyone seen dragging wooden pallets and broken sofa springs to the town square after 10pm may be recruited to take part in the clean up parade.

We'd like to remind all citizens that stellar trespassing is strictly forbidden, especially at night. Any individuals found loitering on starscapes or looting nebula debris will be charged with celestial vagrancy.

Do tell…

The town council has voted to suspend all further research into time travel until sufficient progress is made on canal rerouting projects. “Wibbley wobbley timey wimey things can wait,” stated Mayor Jenkins.

The mayor would like to remind everyone that the town's annual hot dog eating contest is coming up. Please remember to stretch beforehand, and to bring your own antacid tablets.

The mayor announced a compromise has been reached in the 6-year debate over whether left-handed squirrels have equal right to nuts. All squirrels will now receive double portions to ensure fairness. Traffic advisories - please expect delays around all town nut dispensers.