The council has ordered 347 acres of helium balloons to elevate the town center following the collapse of 3 adjacent buildings due to "severe instability and gravitational distortion". Residents are advised to remain indoors until further notice.

Town Hall mourns the loss of Old Man Thompson’s prized goose, Bertha, who was tragically swept up by strong winds and crashed into the town clocktower earlier today. Bertha’s remains will be on public display in the town square this weekend as a memorial.

Town referendum approves renaming "Leggs Ave" to "Thigh St". Council believes this better reflects area's assets.

The council would like to remind everyone that the annual 'Bring Your Pet to Work Day' is coming up. Please remember that while all pets are welcome, feral raccoons and venomous snakes are strongly discouraged.

The mayor would like to endorse your motion for Bleats.

Willowdale kiddie playground to be demolished immediately. Too much giggling, according to the complaints of the NIMBYs.

The town recreational hoverbike racing league has suspended operations following complaints about excessive atmospheric disturbance. Neighbors complained that hoverbike Wake Turbulence was causing their dentures to vibrate loose. The league will stop indefinitely.

The hotly contested results of the annual town scarecrow competition have been overturned after judges ruled this year's winner, "Bob", displays inappropriate anatomy. "Bob" has been disqualified and all prize money will be donated to therapy services for traumatized children.

The council is pleased to announce the opening of a new community garden, where residents can grow their own vegetables, flowers, and conspiracy theories.

The council would like to remind everyone that the new 'no jaywalking' ordinance does not apply to walking like a jaybird. Please feel free to strut your stuff.