All staff: Please do not include personally-identifying information on your service weapons (Samurai Edge Albert Model, Hunk's Big Cannon, Carlos' Future Ex-Wife, etc.) as it severely reduces plausible deniability re: our conducting of deadly and illegal bioweapon experiments.

Due to recent events, retinal scanners will now require eyes to be attached to the appropriate staff member.

Proposal to attach sponges to the feet of outbreak victims so their undead shambling will clean lab floors and save on sanitation team costs. Pending board review.

Welcome [USER], please select an option: 1. Email 2. Self-destruct sequence 3. Exit

Here at Umbrella, we'll keep on making women bigger. And that's a promise.

turner334: anyway Patterson has an extra foot growing out of his eye socket, I don't... turner334: I don't really know what to do about that turner334: huh? turner334: "is there profit potential?" turner334: I don't know man, maybe, he's mostly just screaming a lot and wiggling the toes

If you have been experiencing itchiness and swelling on floors 11-18 please report to the skin peeling room. Floors 0-10 please be on the lookout for an escaped hyperwasp.

I never thought I'd say this, but we bought too many scorpions.

oh a BIOHAZARD leak, haha, I thought you meant a press leak, what a relief

Please keep in mind that the budget now includes ONE (1) nuclear weapon per department per quarter MAXIMUM. Everyone needs to tighten their belts.