my bunch of coconuts hasn’t been accurately described as lovely since 1996

[Parked in my driveway with the windows rolled up as group of squirrels pelt my car windshield with acorns] Me: “Is this… is this genocide?”

I accused my neighbor of eating my cat and my dog with absolutely zero evidence. He told me it was the most repulsive accusation he's ever heard and only a sick person would make it. Yet surprisingly he refused to take his Trump/Vance bumper sticker off his car.

I’m not a fan of his music but this is unnecessary.

Twitter Spaces: the Cybertruck of online interviews™️

Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said "Care to make this interesting?" And I said "Sure. All these years, I've been secretly in love with you"

is it conjugate her verbs it’s conjugate her verbs, isn’t it

Defendant: It's a banana in my pocket Judge: May I remind the defendant that he's under oath? Defendant (averting eyes): I'm glad to see you

*needs cheering up* *checks the news*

For every annoying comment, a puppy begins a life long smoking habit. Think about what you're doing