[disarming a bomb] first of all (i do a big charming smile at the bomb) hi there

The Berenstain bears were so lucky they had a girl. Imagine naming your first child Brother and then the next one comes along and it's another boy 💀

If they can make maternity pants, why can't I also have a maternity bra that stretches with my ever expanding ta tas

Since it's pumpkin spice season, a little tip for people who want to like pumpkin spice but just can't get into it: a dirty chai latte with oat milk tastes like you want pumpkin spice to taste

Wtf is "view price in cart" supposed to accomplish because I'm nearly certain it has the opposite effect on me

Don't mind my staring it's just that your mustache looks like the bat signal.

Stop showing me pictures of british people's breakfast I've already been through enough

Years of getting lead/led spelling confused has caused me to realize JUST NOW that "Led Zeppelin" is a play on words

Reader, he did fuck it up.

I must be getting old because I just looked at my Shipt shopper's photo and went "oh no, this kid looks really young I bet he's gonna fuck it up"