Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.

[Team meeting] My boss: ok, let's roundtable how can we leverage AI to capitalize on synergy in the marketplace Me:

sorry guys i got caught up in horning out on all the AI generated bikini girls on instagram

me: I’m gonna go. I can see the writing on the wall boss: you wrote “it’s time for Mike to go”

I know you've been tolerating other people.

My mom will get on speakerphone and become someone I have never met.

For the last time this is not a “midlife crisis” it’s a Pearl Jam face tattoo

i don’t envy the gods. being eternal sounds exhausting.

Sometimes you have to walk away in the middle of a conversation to drive to the used bookstore to see the store dog with the wagging tail right that second

Hello? Yes hi I’m your problem now, thought I’d let you know