Air travel - where you pay money to let a corporation treat you like utter shit
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same grim reaper costume
[bookstore] customer: can you tell me where the do it yourself section is? me: you are not off to a good start
Don’t waste money on a real ukulele, just buy a regular guitar and shrink it down in the washing machine
BOSS: where were you yesterday ME: i went back in time and killed baby throgston BOSS: who? ME: *under breath* my god it worked
Got that company conference today where the upper management read us all those emails we never opened.
I just fell on hard times. Really must find a shelf for my Charles Dickens collection
I don't want to live in a world where sexting became a verb but biscuiting never did.
My wife and I want different things. I want to wave my penis around and make light saber noises and she wants a divorce
