Call me crazy but I don't want to spend 4 years hearing "Vance, Vance Refrigeration" in my head every time someone mentions the VP. #election2024

"ADHD crisis line, how can I help?" "Hi! I haven't gotten any work done in two days because I'm waiting on a package and FedEx keeps delaying delivery!" "That's inconscionable, we'll get right on top of this sir!" #crisismode

Trump today: "FETCH ME MY BROWN PANTS!" #election2024

In every friend group there is that one person who is completely oblivious to anything going on between the other friends until well after things go sideways. It's me, I am that friend, in every one of my friend groups. #who's_on_first?

Catnip refresh day, she's ⬆️AF

"ADHD Crisis Line, how can I help?" "Yes I was researching the proper way to peel a mango and realized I put the laundry in the dishwasher and the dishes in the washing machine and OH MY GOD MY LAPTOP IS IN THE OVEN!" "Mam, help is on the way." #ADHD

Last night, Stargazer wasn't eating and kept giving me a forlorn look as I looked out the door. So I made her some scrambled eggs. 🍳 I guess I'm officially a cat bistro. #isimpforcats

Michelle Obama could run right now with a slogan of... "They keep saying I have a d**k so I might as well take the job they keep trying to put one in." ...and win. #let_her_sink_in

Me: Maybe we should get a new toy for Yoruichi to play with, like a kitten. My wife: You're a kitten. #she's_got_me_there

What they say: Don't Tread on Me. What they mean: Let Me Tread on Them ♀️⚧️🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️. #This_is_no_tea_party