If you can fold your pizza in half without it breaking or slopping all over the place, that isn't a pizza; it's a twink. Checkmate, New York. #showerthoughts

Are you not entertained?

It's an indictment on you that inebriation is the only niche in society from which you have carved joy for yourself. Welcome to the dark side. Punch and pie are on the table in the corner, Mr. Kettle. Remember: You can't drink all day if you don't start in the morning.

Still waiting

no u

Excuse me, the brim of your hat is on the wrong side and your sunglasses are dirty. #Canceled

The previous message doesn't make sense in dark mode.

I did not have "hurriquake" on my storm disaster bingo card. Seems like a good time to start day drinking.