i'm immortal, and i have to stay alive anyway to be my mother's secret second bank account so i have to make myself more palatable somehow and the occasional breakdown in the relative dark is all i have

like yes, my thoughts and feelings don't matter. i should do a flip but in order for me to not be, idk, even worse than i am, i need some kind of an outlet that isn't completely private a social no one reads me on is the only thing i have

"demo why do you talk here when you know no one wants to hear it" because it is tearing me into shreds from the inside and if i post about it anywhere else i will upset someone or get talked over immediately (or ignored by someone who calls me her best friend. that happens a lot)

I want to do more for Koja and Dizzy because they're cool and sometimes they call me their good friend and it makes my day but man I am just so boring and annoying that all i can do is a meek-ass "hi i like you hope you're well" with an occasional "here's a gift please don't forget me"

no shade to the two friends i have who do actually care about me but are just tired people in general. y'all are cool and i wish i could talk to you more without feeling like a leech

and I super-ultra appreciate that, it makes me happy and at ease to know //hug