is this what therapy feels like when the therapist doesn't spend the hour judging me and waiting for the session to end so they can leave, book me in in a month saying I don't need much help, and then cancel all of my appointments for two years?

man this is gonna be a lot to delete later

I don't know how to explain how Bad this is, or how much stress I'm under to have even made such a decision I don't know how to explain my reasoning, how much stress I'm under to make such an option viable let alone better than the alternative I don't know how to explain that I did it on purpose

also can i just- I ATE MOLD ON PURPOSE I WILLINGLY /ATE MOLD/ AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA i am not well

when i'm in a situation that's even a modicum less abusive, I hope I'll be able to open up and talk to them more that's my only new years resolution

this isn't the kind of brain that can make good decisions like effectively communicating. this is the kind of brain that lies low and does what it can for now and hopes for the best i desperately want to talk to them more. for now all i seem to be able to manage is a single message when I wake up

none of that is their fault, it's just how my brain works. it's an issue i need to work on and i'm doing my best but i'm so exhausted i'm so stressed and tired that i made myself sick eating moldy food on purpose so mother wouldn't interrogate me about why i didn't eat it

i just keep thinking, if i'd been a better client, a better person, less annoying, less pressuring maybe they'd've enjoyed it more

i care about them so much but i don't know how to show it properly and because of how my stupid brain works irt recognising received/reciprocated friendship, i feel like i'm not worth anything to them - no fault of theirs, completely my own issue hell i blame myself for koja stopping doing comms

(posted by Lillith. because good god someone had to) (will be deleted when we wake up)