Me calling a restaurant today: "Hi, could I place an order for pickup?" Them: "Can you use the toast app?" Me: "I tried, it says it can't accept orders." Them: "Oh...have you tried updating it?" Me: "I have. Can you just take my order on the phone?" Them: "Oh ok...sure, I guess."

“You play your cards right and we’ll be doing the horizontal Super Bowl Shuffle later 😉😉😉”

Me flirting Chicago style: “I’m neon relish in the streets and a sport pepper in the sheets😉😉😉…Ope! Sorry! Was that too much? Sorry.”

I’m no stock broker but the way this court hearing is going I think ball-gag futures are going to be WAY MORE financially lucrative than an investment in Truth Social.

The antisemite playbook: 1. Deny antisemitism exists 2. Ok, if it does exist it’s not as bad as other things, get over it 3. And actually antisemitism is the Jews’ fault 4. If I get held accountable for my antisemitism it’s just proof that Jews secretly run things

Me, going into a toy store to buy my nephew a birthday present/get revenge on my sibling: "Excuse me shopkeep, I'll take two of the loudest and messiest toys you have in this establishment!"

When you are a complete sucker for what the con man is selling you…

The anxiety of not knowing how long a video someone is showing you on their phone will last.

“This atmospheric river is really harshing my vibes man…I gotta see my personal trainer/astrologer later to see if I can get back in realignment. Back to you at the news desk Chet!”

But we want national coverage for it.