Bought a can of Oops paint and true to it's name it fell out my trunk and left an 8" x 8" blotch on my driveway. How do I fix this stain without even more chemicals? already tried paint thinner. Maybe pressure wash with some dead towels to catch most of the runoff?

Tin Tin a guy came in late and just sat on my lap. I shouted "Dude, are you fucking blind!?" and his girlfriend showed up in a huff and yelled "No - He's deaf!" He then threw up all over the seat in front of us

Leaving the theatre after Iron Man my friend, the projectionist, asked what I thought of the end credit scene "Credits? the screen just went black" He then ran back to the booth to discover the reel was on fire

Toddlers are amazing for overriding social anxiety. My SIL just asked to borrow mine because she felt weird going to the zoo by herself. Just, "It's cool. This 2 year old vouches for me"

Went to bar trivia for the time in 5 years and I only lost because I didn't know they BLEW UP THE HOUSE AT THE END OF LITTLE HOUSE ON THE FUCKING PRAIRIE

Just received the sad news that friend has lost his battle with keeping his toddler from discovering Paw Patrol

They're taking bribes from Turkey/ He Really lives in Jersey/ Defunded the Library/ The Adams' Family

I fixed one of my kids broken toys and she's marching around with it shouting "Yaaaay!"

My future SIL's grandmother got all Trumpy and homophobic on SIL's facebook so my wife told her to knock it the fuck off. Now she's demanding an apology or she won't come to the wedding. So we don't need to get a wedding gift anymore, right?

They set up an old timey saw mill at the park down the streets and I'm glad to inform you that Dudes still Rock