Taylor Swift is in Buffalo watching her boyfriend, Travis Kelce (yawn). I’d be more impressed if Judas Priest lead singer, Rob Halford, was in Buffalo watching his boyfriend, Travis Kelce.

Light the place on fire. She’ll get ahold of you right away.

Welcome to your 60s: You will now spend a good part of your day saving jars because they might come in handy.

I hate people more than you do Wanna fuck?

Poseidon insists on being addressed as Your Excellent Sea.

my wife is currently out of town. she thinks that i bought a 24 pack of bagel bites and am having a quiet little weekend. what she doesn’t know is that i actually bought a 48 pack of bagel bites.

There is truth in wine. I drink whisky.

Since the divorce, I’ve had no way of knowing how wrong I am

*minds p’s and q’s *mildly irritated by m’s and n’s *wants to beat the crap out of z’s and semi colons

Life Hack: Don’t overthink things. All your ideas are terrible; might as well go with the first one.