If I’m tailgated by one more vaping broccoli-head, I’ll be wearing a chic poncho of human skin this summer. Vibe.

Sometimes I sing ‘Hearts On Fire’ to myself in a full-length mirror, completely naked and crying with mascara running down my cheeks

I keep reading about laughter being the best medicine but nah that’s probably DMT and a sweet first look deal somewhere

Reading in the media about Sunak and Starmer trading blows and my only reaction is : how did the mainstream media get here before Pronhub

BEING JOHN MALKOVICH but instead you get to be Courtney Cox in COCCOON II before being dropped outside a Gregg’s

If I was Alan Sugar I would just task them with finding a fresh pair of human kidneys. See who kills first. Boom, there’s your next Apprentice.

The best thing about my twitchy anxiety eye returning is that people think I’m winking at them surreptitiously. I’m living in a stealth CARRY ON reboot and I am neo Sid James

Imagine being cross at what software or computers or telephones other people want to use.

What my flesh-rending molten coffee sees just before it has an appointment with my kisser. Bottoms up, and farewell fair brew. May you never become a stomach ulcer etc

I really feel like Facebook needs a ‘no more men holding up dead fish to the camera and smiling’ button