if I could be anything I would be asleep

today my bra just kinda felt like knives so I suggested we lose our bras and do casual boobs Friday at work and no one responded

my binary toddler Saffron is presently grounded as a logical consequence for making our farmer’s market outing completely ungrammable due to a probiotic soda incident I don’t even want to get into

while you studied the blade, I was yapping while you mastered the block chain, I just yapped away while you cultivated inner strength, you guessed it, I was getting my yap on

lately time has been whispering to me, now now now. it makes a point

I will never forgive u for this @housefeminist.bsky.social

me this morning upon discovering my robot vacuum spread a fresh pile of dog shit across every surface in my home

when someone from real life shares a meme from a mutual, they REALLY underestimate how deeply valid and devastatingly cool it is that I can say “oh wow I know them, we’re longtime Twitter mutuals”

I don’t have a burglar alarm I have old timey saloon music playing in my house that will abruptly stop if a bad guy walks in

this is THE early bird