Just checking on my investments. *seeing if the avocados I bought three days ago are ripe yet

Turns out, they were just manslaughter hornets.

Wings shouldn’t count as a piece when buying fried chicken.

you can have one of my cargo shorts pockets for your own personal use

If you tried to shoot the dog in Duck Hunt for laughing at you, chances are you have depression now.

My mom will get on speakerphone and become someone I have never met.

Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.

“If anyone needs me, I’ll be.” -Aristotle

When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.

I ain't reading all that, your honor. I'm happy for u tho. Or sorry that happened.