3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.

Here’s something I wrote www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/are...

A turkey crossed the road and we all said “ooh turkey!” and then my 5yo added confidently “Turkeys are funny because they gobble your ass.” My only question is WHAT

Looking through pics from a trip I took to Key West in my 20s and long story short I think we got too close to the raccoons

Umm nobody wants to read about a tub with no feet

welcome to bluesky! here are some ground rules we all follow: * no joke-y death threats. you have to follow through * you can sell prescription pills to one another but only on "whacked out wednesday" * if you're a lawyer you have to start every post regardless of subject with "as a lawyer,"

If you don’t send this to your bestie saying “This is you” are you even besties

Everyone who knows me in real life found out about my Twitter account this year, so I will talk about all their bullshit here now

Don Draper is rolling over in his grave

Look how excited he was to have his bestie sleep over