I'm so sorry that you have to deal with that. I've been there, it isn't fun. I can't speak to what would help you, but there are ways to drastically reduce it. Now I only think about it like once a week. Do you have an emergency plan if it ever gets too bad? Like who to call, how to stay safe, etc?

If not, I'd be happy to help you with that. I know it's scary, but going to a psychiatric clinic helped me a lot. Like getting out of your daily routine and being able to just worry about introspection and getting better. Fair warning: they were not as queer friendly as I'd like. Not hostile, but yk

No I don’t have a emergency plan