Comedy doesn't work unless someone is getting offended.

Rights aren't rights if someone can take them away. They're privileges.

"Sometimes I'm fine. But I'm not dandy. I might be close to dandy. I might be approaching dandy. I might even be in the general vicinity of dandyhood. But not quite fully dandy. Other times, I might indeed be highly dandy. However, not fine."

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

"Sorry, but the phone rang and it startled me."

"How's your hammer hangin?"

"If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?"

"If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?"

"The reason I talk to myself is because I'm the only one whose answers I accept."