My father just died. I am not sure how to feel about it. He was there but begrudgingly. Any closeness there was as a child was matched with his hostility. Hitting me to make me less autistic. As I got older time with him was only possible if he could grift from me. I will not be at the funeral.

Hoping his death gives you some healing.

Sending a copy of “This Be The Verse” by Phillip Larkin — to be sat in a seat there — could say something.

Sending love. The dichotomy of emotion is to be expected, given how he treated you. Take time to decide if he's worth remembering fondly or if letting him go in your head is what's best for you going forward. Either way, your online friends will still be here for you.